Getting Off the Hamster Wheel

Here we are at the end of another productive yet absolutely CRAZED semester.

Last week, my husband and I took a cruise to celebrate our 10th anniversary (it was two years ago--we're a little late) & the completion of my undergraduate degree. I left my cell phone at home and only checked e-mail once a day for five minutes in order to send a message to my kids back home. While I was on the trip, I enjoyed laying in the sun and reading (for leisure!), listening to music or napping. I enjoyed long, three-course meals and sharing interesting conversation with strangers. I enjoyed walking around a small Mexican village, watching the locals who obviously had fewer possessions and money but seemed equally (or more!) happy with life.

However, it wasn't until I got home that I realized how truly unburdened I had been on that trip. When I am at home, I feel compelled to check e-mail and Facebook twenty or more times a day. Many days, I don't enjoy the sunshine or feel the breeze because I am sitting behind a computer all day. When I am at home, my cell phone is in my possession almost 24 hours a day and I feel compelled to answer it each and every time it rings. When I am at home, I live and die by a calendar--never are there unstructured days for "wandering"--and taking a nap would just lead to guilt that time would have been better spent doing something besides sleeping.

Even worse, every time I travel, especially outside of the United States, I come home so frustrated by the things that occupy our time and thoughts....the things that we fuss and fight over/for...the things that we consider most important. Those things, for the most part, are utter ridiculousness. In the grand scheme of life, they are foolish things that don't really matter.

I am certain that life is for more than a busy calendar. I'm sure that I'm supposed to have enough quiet, unhurried time in a day to have thoughts or rest or simple pleasures. I know for a fact that I shouldn't feel like a hamster in a wheel.

I have decided that something needs to change in my life and I'm trying to figure out the best way to clear out the clutter and simplify my life somewhat. Waiting for the "next semester" or the "next stage of life" obviously doesn't work--getting to the next stage means things are just different, not less busy in my experience.

Right now, the best bet for simplification seems to be to shut down my photography business. My business is definitely "small" in all aspects of the word, but it can be very time consuming nevertheless. Though I have been mulling it over for a week (actually, I mull it over every year, it seems), I am still hesitant to do away with it completely for several reasons:

a) it provides income
b) people respect and enjoy the work I do
c) other than motherhood, I have held this position longer than any other job
d) it gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment

This business has been my baby, my brainchild, my sweat and tears. Even though my hectic lifestyle prevents me from enjoying the work like I once did, it is difficult to say the words, "I'm done."

Also, there is the money matter. I am preparing to enter the teaching world. Education, as we all know, is not a particularly lucrative field. In fact, right now it takes me a month of substitute teaching (averaging twice or three times a week) to make similar take-home pay as one photography session. Now, before you start to think that photographers are making a killing and robbing you blind, let me tell you about one major difference. In education, I walk away at the end of the day with no further obligations (well, more-so than some professions--no job is 100% this way). With photography, the time committed for a photo session is just the beginning. I spend much, much more time editing, cropping, posting to the web, fulfilling orders, etc. Do you know what that means? There is no separation between home and work for me. Between my university classes, substitute teaching, hauling kids to ballgames, church obligations and the like, I crave time at home to be just that: time at home and nothing else. Besides, money isn't everything.

All this to say, I think I am on the verge of making a very important decision. It both relieves me and scares me, but something must be done. You know something is not right when you find yourself envying simple life of the Mexican senorita who sits on the sidewalk mashing masa and selling tortillas from an egg crate!