Bailouts & Breastmilk & Squirrels...Oh My!

I mentioned earlier that in my Media Writing class, our latest project was to write scripts for a television broadcast. Our professor is pretty laid back, so she welcomed pretty much any kind of script including purely fake news which my group tackled. So, in light of the fact that it's Friday and this University Mama could use a laugh and a break from reality, here were the topics of our broadcast:

Lead Story: The presidential candidates and their VPs were killed in a tragic motorscooter accident. They were filming an ad dressed as clowns and riding a motorscooter together as a symbol of bipartisan cooperation. Biden--who was driving the scooter--swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel, causing the team to fall off the side of a cliff and crash to the earth below (no word on why they were filming on the edge of a cliff). The accident brought up serious issues about clown impersonation, even prompting professional clowns to release an ad saying, "Clowns are professionals, not a bunch of bozos wearing fake noses and big shoes." People are stunned about the tragedy and wondering where the country is headed only weeks until election day. Hillary Clinton, who was on-location for the filming with her pet squirrel, said that the accident "saddens her."

Other News: Today, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced a newly revised federal bail-out plan to help stimulate the fragile U.S. economy. The plan has been changed to include relief for any Americans who currently owe more than they make, which is almost 90 percent of the country. This is good news for homeowners who borrowed beyond their means and for the banks who loaned to them in the first place. People who suffer from chronic shopping disorder are ecstatic about the decision that will nullify their outstanding credit card debt, according to the N.A.S.S.—the national association of super shoppers. The revised bail-out plan is estimated to cost over 500 trillion dollars and will lead to the ultimate demise of the United States Treasury. However, recent polling shows that 85% of Americans believe the plan is a good solution for the current economic crisis.

The PETA organization recently requested that Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream stop using cow's milk for their product and start using human breastmilk instead. They claimed that milking cows is cruel and that milk supplies can often be hazardous. PETA suggested establishing human dairies which would provide plenty of breast milk for ice cream and provide employment for crack addicts, apparently solving the issues of mistreatment of animals and securing a safe milk supply.